Kate (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} x_mass) wrote,@ 2007-08-17 16:52:00 |
|
updated care and feeding and understanding kate 2007
for BiCon 2007, my care and feeding, understanding etc
Care and feeding of Kate at BiCon 2006
For most people BiCon is a big party, a chance to sit back, chill, hang out with your mates and play. And I hope that this BiCon will finally be that for me. But if it follow previous BiCon experiences I am likely to get very, very stressed.
Now people might ask why then do I come to BiCon, well the issues are complex and explained over the page but suffice it to say I find BiCon is helping me to slowly recover from the damage that I have suffered in my childhood. It is helping me to face my fears in a relatively safe environment. Somewhere I can open up amongst friends. Or at least I do until I start falling apart, and then I quickly stop being able to look after myself properly; hence this missive, of what to watch out for, and how to help me.
Whilst the issues have changed over the years, the current ones I am working through came to ahead about five years ago and I have been dealing with the fall out ever since. My current issues are centered on acceptance of my body by myself, and others. Whilst I used to love me the person inside my head, I now think of me as all of me, my body, my appearance etc and in that respect I still am deeply ashamed, this also effects my sexuality and how I look after myself. In the last year I have made a lot of progress whilst I still feel guilt and self hatred, I am starting to love my body, whilst I still getting better about being audio-visually feminine, but freaked by the implied sexuality associated with it. In the past I was numb and only able to challenge my ideas intellectually, now I’m beginning to feel and to explore but I still am liable to go numb very easily. Inside me I still feel hugely ashamed and shame filled about my body and appearance.
Currently I’m working on
Issues around sexuality and being sexual with people, especially my body hatred and other hatred of my body
My deep sense of shame, guilt about and hatred for, my body, appearance, etc.
My ongoing issues with being audio-visually feminine or perceived as such
My lack of safety, insecurity and fear of betrayal by others around these issues
I am hoping to challenge some of these issues over BiCon, by for example allowing myself to be more feminine (or what I perceive of as feminine) and see what happens. I also hope to have a good time and to just be with people
However if you find that I am:
Taking on or offering to run things
Being overloud and boisterous such that I am “standing on other peoples toes”
Over reacting to situations, for example taking teasing personally etc
Complaining of pain in my body
Having difficulty standing up
Could you please!
Get me to stop, and check where I am, if I am OK and that I might be getting ill
Remind me that I am safe
Hold my hand
Give me a hug
Remind me to notice the world around me
Mention NOW/HERE to me
Ask if I have taken my muscle relaxants recently, such as
Voltarol (Sodium Diclophenic)
Robaxin (methacarbanol)
Dihydrocodeine
If I am still over reacting etc then I probably need to go back to my room to chill down, if you come with me so much the better.
Thank you for your help in advance.
Hugs
Kate
Understanding Kate: why I am doing, what I am doing
BiCon has always been a place of work for me when other people have been out enjoying themselves in the past. I have either been distracting myself by running workshops, trying to keep BiCon going, running things.
My personal life history is fairly normal for a transexual: suicide attempts at 6 years old, deep depression at seven, sent to a boy’s school to make a man of me; seeing death as a friend somewhere warm against the cold and numbness of life. By 9 I was too depressed to be suicidal and just became utterly numb as I couldn’t even manage to cut bloody genitals off. I suppose I’m different in that I came out/loud to my parents at 12 and at my school 15. By 16 I was telling all and sundry that I was girl desperate for help but being told I couldn’t be because I was big, masculine and you can only be transexual if you fancy men! (A GIC psychiatrist at 17)
Initially being at BiCon was about being accepted as a woman and then it was about transexual inclusion especially as a lesbian. With the help of my friends, some of whom will be here today I managed to crawl across the threshold to womanhood and collapsed. Over time, both at BiCon and in the rest of my life I was slowly recovering from the room 101 torture of being forced to be a boy as a child. I learned to love myself, to take responsibility for myself, to recognize I had power and choice, to forgive myself to find safety and joy in myself, to learn both to like and love myself, to realise how wonderful I really am and how pleased I am to be me. But that was all inside my head. While I was doing this, I was doing nothing about my body, appearance, sexuality, lifestyle, and except where I became happier and thus easier to be with my interactions with the world. Those remained on the threshold. I carried on using the techniques I had used to survive to allow myself the time to rebuild myself and live, but about 5 years ago I decided that they had to go.
Somewhere in my head, when I was probably 5 years old I must have decided that I was somehow to blame for being male for having to be a man, and that being male and living as a man was my punishment. I sure there is a whole bunch of other broken logic in there. What is true today is that I have no idea who I am; I know that a lot of what I have been doing to survive such as being audio-visually masculine is a lie. I call it butch but it’s just an excuse to allow myself to avoid my shame. Similarly my flipping my shame into an idiot pride, I can be proud of being a slob. I can be proud of things I am deeply ashamed about. I then can make people treat me in way that I feel safe with. Either they reject me or they accept me as I am. But if people point out that I am being audio-visually feminine I have a problem, if I accept the compliment that challenges my security system, it also wakens the numbed pain in me, so I actively work to appear more masculine to move in the opposite direction and avoid the pain. I can now see myself at times as attractive and can even see myself as sexually attractive, but this is few and far between and I still find being visually feminine, or attractive as dangerous. I am frightened that I will be expected to supply sex etc and I don’t think I can say no. I still have no sense of ownership of my body but I’m still terrified of doing anything lest anyone see - me.
This fear, anger and pain, extends to my relationships with others. In the past I used to be like a little match girl standing freezing in the snow looking in at the people partying inside. I stood outside watching people, wanting to come in, but the heat from the walls burnt me and hurt me. I am so terrified of the pain; as it cut into the numbness and made me feel. I had been numb for so long, that I didn’t even realise I was numb. However in time I began to become secure with myself, and became more relaxed, people found that I was much easier to be with and I found myself in the warm being myself. However as I have said my issues with my body, appearance, relationships etc was still stuck in the numbing cold. I see myself as a social leper wandering around ringing a bell shouting unclean. Unclean! Thus when I’m at BiCon I become the last person most people want at a party especially a sexual party. It’s like having someone in the kitchen merrily carving themselves up with the knives – kind of puts a downer on the canapés!
Where I go from here, I’m not sure, I know that my ‘fear of men’ is more about my need to mould men in all the expectations of me, both mine and others from I had when I had to live as one. I know I’m frightened of the expectations of me as a woman, not only the conventional ones but also the feminist expectations of me. My sexual history is one of being repeatedly raped by people of both sexes. I can count my positive sexual experiences on the figures of one hand. I also have had partners and friends who rather than challenging my body hatred, told me how much they hated my body (but loved me). What I want now is acceptance as woman brain, body, appearance, etc but what I really want is to accept myself and not care what others think. What I really want is to love me, all of me, and my life.
for BiCon 2007, my care and feeding, understanding etc
Care and feeding of Kate at BiCon 2006
For most people BiCon is a big party, a chance to sit back, chill, hang out with your mates and play. And I hope that this BiCon will finally be that for me. But if it follow previous BiCon experiences I am likely to get very, very stressed.
Now people might ask why then do I come to BiCon, well the issues are complex and explained over the page but suffice it to say I find BiCon is helping me to slowly recover from the damage that I have suffered in my childhood. It is helping me to face my fears in a relatively safe environment. Somewhere I can open up amongst friends. Or at least I do until I start falling apart, and then I quickly stop being able to look after myself properly; hence this missive, of what to watch out for, and how to help me.
Whilst the issues have changed over the years, the current ones I am working through came to ahead about five years ago and I have been dealing with the fall out ever since. My current issues are centered on acceptance of my body by myself, and others. Whilst I used to love me the person inside my head, I now think of me as all of me, my body, my appearance etc and in that respect I still am deeply ashamed, this also effects my sexuality and how I look after myself. In the last year I have made a lot of progress whilst I still feel guilt and self hatred, I am starting to love my body, whilst I still getting better about being audio-visually feminine, but freaked by the implied sexuality associated with it. In the past I was numb and only able to challenge my ideas intellectually, now I’m beginning to feel and to explore but I still am liable to go numb very easily. Inside me I still feel hugely ashamed and shame filled about my body and appearance.
Currently I’m working on
Issues around sexuality and being sexual with people, especially my body hatred and other hatred of my body
My deep sense of shame, guilt about and hatred for, my body, appearance, etc.
My ongoing issues with being audio-visually feminine or perceived as such
My lack of safety, insecurity and fear of betrayal by others around these issues
I am hoping to challenge some of these issues over BiCon, by for example allowing myself to be more feminine (or what I perceive of as feminine) and see what happens. I also hope to have a good time and to just be with people
However if you find that I am:
Taking on or offering to run things
Being overloud and boisterous such that I am “standing on other peoples toes”
Over reacting to situations, for example taking teasing personally etc
Complaining of pain in my body
Having difficulty standing up
Could you please!
Get me to stop, and check where I am, if I am OK and that I might be getting ill
Remind me that I am safe
Hold my hand
Give me a hug
Remind me to notice the world around me
Mention NOW/HERE to me
Ask if I have taken my muscle relaxants recently, such as
Voltarol (Sodium Diclophenic)
Robaxin (methacarbanol)
Dihydrocodeine
If I am still over reacting etc then I probably need to go back to my room to chill down, if you come with me so much the better.
Thank you for your help in advance.
Hugs
Kate
Understanding Kate: why I am doing, what I am doing
BiCon has always been a place of work for me when other people have been out enjoying themselves in the past. I have either been distracting myself by running workshops, trying to keep BiCon going, running things.
My personal life history is fairly normal for a transexual: suicide attempts at 6 years old, deep depression at seven, sent to a boy’s school to make a man of me; seeing death as a friend somewhere warm against the cold and numbness of life. By 9 I was too depressed to be suicidal and just became utterly numb as I couldn’t even manage to cut bloody genitals off. I suppose I’m different in that I came out/loud to my parents at 12 and at my school 15. By 16 I was telling all and sundry that I was girl desperate for help but being told I couldn’t be because I was big, masculine and you can only be transexual if you fancy men! (A GIC psychiatrist at 17)
Initially being at BiCon was about being accepted as a woman and then it was about transexual inclusion especially as a lesbian. With the help of my friends, some of whom will be here today I managed to crawl across the threshold to womanhood and collapsed. Over time, both at BiCon and in the rest of my life I was slowly recovering from the room 101 torture of being forced to be a boy as a child. I learned to love myself, to take responsibility for myself, to recognize I had power and choice, to forgive myself to find safety and joy in myself, to learn both to like and love myself, to realise how wonderful I really am and how pleased I am to be me. But that was all inside my head. While I was doing this, I was doing nothing about my body, appearance, sexuality, lifestyle, and except where I became happier and thus easier to be with my interactions with the world. Those remained on the threshold. I carried on using the techniques I had used to survive to allow myself the time to rebuild myself and live, but about 5 years ago I decided that they had to go.
Somewhere in my head, when I was probably 5 years old I must have decided that I was somehow to blame for being male for having to be a man, and that being male and living as a man was my punishment. I sure there is a whole bunch of other broken logic in there. What is true today is that I have no idea who I am; I know that a lot of what I have been doing to survive such as being audio-visually masculine is a lie. I call it butch but it’s just an excuse to allow myself to avoid my shame. Similarly my flipping my shame into an idiot pride, I can be proud of being a slob. I can be proud of things I am deeply ashamed about. I then can make people treat me in way that I feel safe with. Either they reject me or they accept me as I am. But if people point out that I am being audio-visually feminine I have a problem, if I accept the compliment that challenges my security system, it also wakens the numbed pain in me, so I actively work to appear more masculine to move in the opposite direction and avoid the pain. I can now see myself at times as attractive and can even see myself as sexually attractive, but this is few and far between and I still find being visually feminine, or attractive as dangerous. I am frightened that I will be expected to supply sex etc and I don’t think I can say no. I still have no sense of ownership of my body but I’m still terrified of doing anything lest anyone see - me.
This fear, anger and pain, extends to my relationships with others. In the past I used to be like a little match girl standing freezing in the snow looking in at the people partying inside. I stood outside watching people, wanting to come in, but the heat from the walls burnt me and hurt me. I am so terrified of the pain; as it cut into the numbness and made me feel. I had been numb for so long, that I didn’t even realise I was numb. However in time I began to become secure with myself, and became more relaxed, people found that I was much easier to be with and I found myself in the warm being myself. However as I have said my issues with my body, appearance, relationships etc was still stuck in the numbing cold. I see myself as a social leper wandering around ringing a bell shouting unclean. Unclean! Thus when I’m at BiCon I become the last person most people want at a party especially a sexual party. It’s like having someone in the kitchen merrily carving themselves up with the knives – kind of puts a downer on the canapés!
Where I go from here, I’m not sure, I know that my ‘fear of men’ is more about my need to mould men in all the expectations of me, both mine and others from I had when I had to live as one. I know I’m frightened of the expectations of me as a woman, not only the conventional ones but also the feminist expectations of me. My sexual history is one of being repeatedly raped by people of both sexes. I can count my positive sexual experiences on the figures of one hand. I also have had partners and friends who rather than challenging my body hatred, told me how much they hated my body (but loved me). What I want now is acceptance as woman brain, body, appearance, etc but what I really want is to accept myself and not care what others think. What I really want is to love me, all of me, and my life.
